Ending

Maybe I am just the bitch that they all say I am

The TK: http://youtu.be/qNYj5h389Vk

Character

Drake - We're going home

We have a base character and then our life will teach us and we make choices to become who we are.

I know I am naive in many ways for some of my education is yet to be, however I try and remain hopeful. For even hope is part of faith.

Much of the time I think "live and let live". As long as you don't encroach me and the perimeters I have set then your life is your test and for you to live. All I can do is try to be a smile within the darkness of the tunnel leading to the end destination.

Regardless of this I have been told I have a BS meter and don't allow the illusions that folk hold close, probably because I see no part in it. And so if folk try and impart that BS onto me I reject it.

I had one person try to force their viewpoint of the world and life onto me and then when I turned the convo around they got ticked off, if you had not tried I would not have said anything.

Another lives in too hopeful a world where because of the specifics they believe something other then what life has given them. Blind in the face of what they perceive love to be, they reject another view because it is not something that they are familiar with. Character is not made in the palaces of the pampered, that just shows they have the veneer of the education given to them. Let them live the life of the unprivileged then the real person is seen. Until then maturity is not reached, regardless of a person's bias towards that person. It's the privilege of the so called upper class that invites them to have prejudice towards everyone else, not realising what it is.

Prayer

Sometimes I think prayer is my only constant companion. Nothing else seems to work.

At other times I tell myself I should just give up Islam, what has it given me, and because I spend so much tone listening I get accused of many things, and what's funny is I believe them. I stop think that I actually have a leg to stand on, I think, why did I do that, it was caused by me?

Sometimes I think that I only have one tether to this world - mum - without her I would fade. And at other times I think well she doesn't give a shit why do I even try.

I told her today if she doesn't like me talking I'll just be quiet.

So now is the time to mend the shards, again, and operate like an animated zombie, pretending to remain unaffected whilst insults are being thrown. Because of I do cry this is because I am crying for attention.

Perhaps that's all my life will ever be, the quest to find contentment in death, without suicide because that's haram...

Petty trials

Okay well I sound like a kid ... No idea what to think except anger management!

Okay well I'm still not talking to the "elder" although I found out today raat some of my packages are being tossed straight into the bin ... I know exciting! I think my nosey self has managed to save the majority, if not the folk who sent them will probably have to seems them again ...

I think someone is trying to court me, it's stance because I don't seemyself as the marrying kind, I'm not pretty, I don't have any household skills, terrible communicator and I don't like folk touching me, at all. Folk find the last one extremely bizarre and make sure to point it out. Slightly annoying tbh.

But I think he might genuinely think I'm okay, an imperfect life companion ... I'm still half in denial about it, but he's already talked about kids and the house, etc feeling overwhelmed, although I also wonder if he's pulling my leg. Of I cannot trust my mother how can I trust anyone else ... I feel like I should ask for help but I have no idea who to ask and what the question actually is. I think single life is far less complex then being worried about another person's feelings ...

Scales

So I always assumed that I was a decent person, today I've realised raat perhaps I'm not, perhaps I am the only one wrong in a world of goodness that I cannot see.

Maybe all this time the enemy I've been fighting is me, it's not something I acknowledge as I cannot see this angle yet, but it might be the revelation to get me on the right path, so maybe I'll try and stop thinking and allow others to guide me on this path that I've evidently strayed on.

All I know is that a lamb alone is vulnerable, pride and stubbornness can only carry a person so far.

Bully

Long time no write, let's see ...

Parent has gone on holiday may they enjoy it, of the remaining folk, selfish bully is at home and being she general pathetic self, looking around I'm able to see how the self proclaimed martyr keeps Jr place of residence clean ... Etc

Cycles

Okay so I read a diary entry from a few years ago, it's funny how I want happy back then with ...

I can't be bothered I've stopped fighting however I don't want random thrown out comments directed at me so avoidance is best, unfortunately the one who started all this will not be happy unless she gets everything ... and because it's always assumed I am the guilty party before I even get asked any questions, and I've been placed as a liar I don't bothered. The same way that I don't run around defending why I follow my faith is the same way I'm not going to defend my character. Anyone who actually knows me would never think I'm a liar ...

And so until I've completely left the whole entire family and the bully begins on someone else they'll never be seen as a bully until there is no one left, until then I guess I just have to take the fact that I'm considered a detestable human being, take care ...

Lies

I find it amusing that I ought to play a game to show my stability and happiness, although I never lie, so it's truth with omissions, a game I have played for many a day.

What's more amusing is that I'm called to support the lies that others cast.

And I realise how grateful I should be for my good health for all the times that I've tried to die and for all the times I should have died, nothing much happened, and sometimes I wonder whether I should try and live the life I've been blessed with when I see no reason for it, I'm too tired to try and run away by getting hitched, etc.

I just want to leave whilst I ponder on Islam, seeing as that's what half hooks me back, and the other half being my cowardice ...

Patience

I discovered something today, I have Moe integrity than her. Her being the selfish one who believe because she was the first sibling born then she's a saint.

Apparently I'm out to fight her by shutting off the internet, it's not something logical like I hate the constant flashing and buzzing sound, whilst it takes jet half an hour to discover its even been shut off. It's because I want her to suffer because I use my 3G network to watch movies etc online. Never mind that I'm a PAYG customer and so that costs me money ... but hey logic never applies.

And the tears were an excellent touch, makes me seem like a villian because what's the point in backing me, apparently being educated makes me the vicious and vindictive one ... which is the reason why I stopped talking in the first place I'm not here to play in petty politics to try and divide a parent's backing, so I've rather just let her have it, it'll hurt mum less. That's what the coward inside more says.

Anyway I needed an outlet because you can only hold in so many years, and the whole tears thing is not great for my skin.

Just wanted to add a note, mum goes on holiday next month, this is her warning, to mum (if mum believes me and I bother telling her - she didn't believe me last time) and to me (because she thinks I'm actually scared) I'm going to get beats if I don't do as she wishes, hilarious ... because she thinks that I think like her, she's in the dark, I actually tried to commit suicide she just wails that she will in order to get attention. This will be fun, does this count as domestic violence, lol, I know I would kill a guy if he beat me and serve the sentence, but my sister holds my mum's heart, what can I do. I came back for my sanity and realise I'm better of in an asylum perhaps, at least I would have been too drugged up to ponder or sob ...

Voices

Sometimes I wonder at whether I have voices in my head or not.

I know I'm not pretty and my character is pretty naff, occasionally though I get thrown when someone tells me how special I am ... then I get into sad mode because I just can't see this picture they create ...

Justice

Let's see ...

I have many thoughts given  the fact that I don't feel like writing huge essays on my phone or in most cases don't have my phone with me ...

I have a brother who states that he wanted to move out, however since a year ago this has changed and he's decided he's going to buy a house up north in order to rent it out ... due to him insulting mother and swearing at her by mutual agreement there are no words shared between us. He is still speaking to mother and the eldest sister.

I chose not to speak to the eldest, I'm not bothered speaking to someone who sees me as nothing, literally - whilst also stating like the childish hypocrite she is that I think I'm self important and smart. Since school I've lost my mind and sometimes I think my sanity. My mother thinks, actually I have no idea what she thinks but she's decided to villanise me, methinks its due to me getting in more trouble when I was younger, she forgets that I got in less trouble then 2 other siblings, I just told the truth and thus cemented in everyone's mind that I'm a bitch ...

So I cannot be bothered, I shouldn't have to defend my character, I'm not a liar that I have to prove that my word is true, orcs been true for the previous 29 years of my life, was I meant to have a midlife crisis and start lying.

So rather then bother I stay silent ... asking  people to believe me over someone else is like an ultimatum, I'm not bothered with them, that really is just the last straw in desperation and shows that whatever the relationship is it is no longer healthy and so the choice will be make our break. And once broken its not something that can be repaired.

So now I'm an outcast, and the snake is allowed to further manipulate, because regardless of what fact may be, because I stated it, it's not true and the abuser remains in high regard. Fun! So the lies remain until I can find the chain on my sanity in order to leave and I can start a non descript existence, because maybe I am fucked up and if that's true then I should not have a partner and I should not have kids, keeping my fucked up ways to myself is the best solution.

So I'll stay silent, crying out silently and knowing that the tears will be unseen or mocked.