So I'm waiting for the point when I have no more heart left to break ...
You'd think I'd have toughened myself up after several unsuccessful suicide attempts ... but no all I do is think and them escape, it's half amusing that I don't go into a game of what if ... I just read some fantastical book and just leave for the time I'm reading ... maybe it's because of this that I don't read factual books anymore, or much much less then I used too ...
I was pondering on this. At present I'm not talking to my sister, I've been told I'm being petty however I think ignoring a person who mentally and physically abuses is not a bad thing. I'm not believed or maybe I'm not favoured.
I don't brag but I'm a great liar, however I've never lied to those I consider family, I can lie to the rest of the world, but lying to your heart is a big no-no ...
But due to the fact that I can lie I get blamed for well anything ... my sister (the same one I'm ignoring) used to do stuff and blame me, when I was younger I thought it was stupid and protested, but there's only so much you can protest before you just think fuck it, why should I give a shit if I'm the only one who cares. In hindsight I should have cared ... Ooooh well
So if I'm rude to her I get called on it, if she is then everyone will just look on wondering why I'm pissed ... so now I ignore her, if she had basic manners this would be ideal. However due to this, she felt like rearranging the kitchen, so I can't cook ... fun ... should she be in the kitchen, she will fill the sink occupy every worktop and just walk around and not even acknowledge my existence, so if I want some food I have to wait till she has finished preparing, eating then cleaned up ... which can be annoying when you come home from work at 9pm and just want a bowl of cornflakes but can't get to the milk because she's in the way
Maybe it doesn't help my case that she only behaves in such a fashion when the re are no witness' thus insuring her status as the honest and innocent one ...
Can't leave, on each occasion emotional blackmail is a bitch, and I was about to go down the marriage route, but who am I to destroy another.
So am I immature and irresponsible ...
Oh well, that's my cry, take care for now
Let's see, they say that it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. However they also say once bitten twice shy.
I'm stick near thirty having tried to please a person who quite frankly doesn't give a shit.
I forgave the illogical conclusion of me being dishonest. After all I am an excellent liar. But to gold it against me when I have been nothing but honest to her my entire life.
So I am compared and found lacking to a dishonest bully. Am I meant to forgive this time and again, emotional blackmail only works for so long.
So whereas I first used to think getting married would be a great partnership and a great next step to life I then changed this to marriage is a great escape ... and now if I'm to believe what everyone around me says then I have a massive attitude problem ... whereas I just don't want to invite another person in the hell of my mind ...
And so I just distance myself from everyone, whilst lying to the world. Waiting for the death that I've been denied ... and now to go and find a release when one selfish bully hogs the television watching crap that she doesn't even understand ... and the other one is hogging the computer so that I'm unable to work ... and I doubt they'll ever know they are such selfish shits
Another dollar another day, oh well I keep forgetting that I'm all alone.
I'm lost as folk expect stuff from me, which I don't think I could ever give. I don't have the capacity to love within me. So how can I imagine anything for myself. When I dream I know it's an illusion, the slight content I get knowing that I have pain that will be remembered after the fleeting moment ...
I've realised why I feel nothing not even indifference for my sister. Because she ous just like my father. A bully who beats folk in order to try and get them to submit.
What's annoying is that the mother who was beaten thinks she's the angel and I am he? Hilarious right?
And so I wait for god to let me die ...
