Prayer

Sometimes I think prayer is my only constant companion. Nothing else seems to work.

At other times I tell myself I should just give up Islam, what has it given me, and because I spend so much tone listening I get accused of many things, and what's funny is I believe them. I stop think that I actually have a leg to stand on, I think, why did I do that, it was caused by me?

Sometimes I think that I only have one tether to this world - mum - without her I would fade. And at other times I think well she doesn't give a shit why do I even try.

I told her today if she doesn't like me talking I'll just be quiet.

So now is the time to mend the shards, again, and operate like an animated zombie, pretending to remain unaffected whilst insults are being thrown. Because of I do cry this is because I am crying for attention.

Perhaps that's all my life will ever be, the quest to find contentment in death, without suicide because that's haram...

Petty trials

Okay well I sound like a kid ... No idea what to think except anger management!

Okay well I'm still not talking to the "elder" although I found out today raat some of my packages are being tossed straight into the bin ... I know exciting! I think my nosey self has managed to save the majority, if not the folk who sent them will probably have to seems them again ...

I think someone is trying to court me, it's stance because I don't seemyself as the marrying kind, I'm not pretty, I don't have any household skills, terrible communicator and I don't like folk touching me, at all. Folk find the last one extremely bizarre and make sure to point it out. Slightly annoying tbh.

But I think he might genuinely think I'm okay, an imperfect life companion ... I'm still half in denial about it, but he's already talked about kids and the house, etc feeling overwhelmed, although I also wonder if he's pulling my leg. Of I cannot trust my mother how can I trust anyone else ... I feel like I should ask for help but I have no idea who to ask and what the question actually is. I think single life is far less complex then being worried about another person's feelings ...