Patience

I discovered something today, I have Moe integrity than her. Her being the selfish one who believe because she was the first sibling born then she's a saint.

Apparently I'm out to fight her by shutting off the internet, it's not something logical like I hate the constant flashing and buzzing sound, whilst it takes jet half an hour to discover its even been shut off. It's because I want her to suffer because I use my 3G network to watch movies etc online. Never mind that I'm a PAYG customer and so that costs me money ... but hey logic never applies.

And the tears were an excellent touch, makes me seem like a villian because what's the point in backing me, apparently being educated makes me the vicious and vindictive one ... which is the reason why I stopped talking in the first place I'm not here to play in petty politics to try and divide a parent's backing, so I've rather just let her have it, it'll hurt mum less. That's what the coward inside more says.

Anyway I needed an outlet because you can only hold in so many years, and the whole tears thing is not great for my skin.

Just wanted to add a note, mum goes on holiday next month, this is her warning, to mum (if mum believes me and I bother telling her - she didn't believe me last time) and to me (because she thinks I'm actually scared) I'm going to get beats if I don't do as she wishes, hilarious ... because she thinks that I think like her, she's in the dark, I actually tried to commit suicide she just wails that she will in order to get attention. This will be fun, does this count as domestic violence, lol, I know I would kill a guy if he beat me and serve the sentence, but my sister holds my mum's heart, what can I do. I came back for my sanity and realise I'm better of in an asylum perhaps, at least I would have been too drugged up to ponder or sob ...

Voices

Sometimes I wonder at whether I have voices in my head or not.

I know I'm not pretty and my character is pretty naff, occasionally though I get thrown when someone tells me how special I am ... then I get into sad mode because I just can't see this picture they create ...

Justice

Let's see ...

I have many thoughts given  the fact that I don't feel like writing huge essays on my phone or in most cases don't have my phone with me ...

I have a brother who states that he wanted to move out, however since a year ago this has changed and he's decided he's going to buy a house up north in order to rent it out ... due to him insulting mother and swearing at her by mutual agreement there are no words shared between us. He is still speaking to mother and the eldest sister.

I chose not to speak to the eldest, I'm not bothered speaking to someone who sees me as nothing, literally - whilst also stating like the childish hypocrite she is that I think I'm self important and smart. Since school I've lost my mind and sometimes I think my sanity. My mother thinks, actually I have no idea what she thinks but she's decided to villanise me, methinks its due to me getting in more trouble when I was younger, she forgets that I got in less trouble then 2 other siblings, I just told the truth and thus cemented in everyone's mind that I'm a bitch ...

So I cannot be bothered, I shouldn't have to defend my character, I'm not a liar that I have to prove that my word is true, orcs been true for the previous 29 years of my life, was I meant to have a midlife crisis and start lying.

So rather then bother I stay silent ... asking  people to believe me over someone else is like an ultimatum, I'm not bothered with them, that really is just the last straw in desperation and shows that whatever the relationship is it is no longer healthy and so the choice will be make our break. And once broken its not something that can be repaired.

So now I'm an outcast, and the snake is allowed to further manipulate, because regardless of what fact may be, because I stated it, it's not true and the abuser remains in high regard. Fun! So the lies remain until I can find the chain on my sanity in order to leave and I can start a non descript existence, because maybe I am fucked up and if that's true then I should not have a partner and I should not have kids, keeping my fucked up ways to myself is the best solution.

So I'll stay silent, crying out silently and knowing that the tears will be unseen or mocked.